Blow jobs. Where to start? Just kidding. I know exactly what I want to say. Clears throat.
There is nothing particularly enjoyable about the purely physical act of deep throating a hunk of erect flesh for a prolonged period of time and then swallowing the lumpy, warm blob of foul tasting semen dribbling out of the end of it.
There. I said it.
The are several different reasons why women give men blow jobs, but not one of those reasons has anything to do with how much they enjoy extended blocks of time having their head repeatedly pushed into your crotch, lips going numb and jaw popping and clicking harder than if they just drank a twelve pack of Red Bull and then snorted a gram of blow, as they try to keep their teeth from gnawing on your tender flesh and refrain from making phlegmy gagging noises each time you plug up their narrow airway with your meat popsicle.
That’s what it’s like, you know?
This IS exactly…what…it’s…like…to…suck….a…schlong.
Put yourself in the position of a meat whistle blower. As much as you want to bring your loved one into bliss, gagging and drooling them into climax is not often going to be your first choice if there were less sucky options. And as we all know, there are plenty of ‘em.
Pun Intended. Again.
That’s what HE said.
I mean, based on the research I’ve done on this subject, being asphyxiated with a pork sword isn’t a common fetish, so if given the option, even the ladies with boundless enthusiasm for all things boner draw the line at letting the bratwurst take their last breath. But fear not, this doesn’t mean a gal is going to forgo the sucky option.
This is so pun to write. But I digress…
Most women willingly tolerate and even truly enjoy having an adventure with Captain Winky for a bit if there’s some specific communication about mutual comfort during the escapade. Because preferences tend to be somewhat unique to the individual, it’s important to talk about it. I mean, who doesn’t talk about the details when they are going on an exciting little excursion together?
Yep, just like any other thing you plan to do together, there should be some communication about it! I repeat…talk about it! If a maiden whose mouth you are asking to manipulate your manrod doesn’t know the rules of the rod, how do you expect either of you go get where you are going? Think about it: The key to getting good head is using your head.
Seriously though…don’t be one.
I can’t stop with the puns. I just can’t do it.
Use my other head to think about what you ask? Well, because there are several reasons why a woman you are in a relationship with would actually take on the task of taking your tonsil toothbrush into her face hole, the most important one is plain and simple. She probably cares very deeply you. Women tend to connect physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. If you care deeply for her, the least you can do it to put some thought into her feelings about fellatio!
Must resist pun….
I know that you want to know how to get more blow jobs, or maybe even just A goddamn blow job when it’s not your birthday or Christmas, don’t you?
Of course you do. So give it a think!
Your sexual health is negatively affected by neglect, so even if your lady loves you, if she’s not whacking your willy weekly, then you are left to do it yourself, and I know you are nodding your other head in agreement, self loving on Spanky really isn’t the same scintillating experience as a good skin flute suck.
But you want to know why your girl is neglecting to noodle slurp your nozzle!! You’ve read through 500 plus words, several bad puns and graphic goo pipe references to get your answer, so I’m finally going to tell you one of the most important reasons and it’s probably not what you think.
Sure, giving blow jobs IS a little bit gross and awkward and uncomfortable, but really those things aren’t usually what prevent the ladies from sucking the stink hammer. The thing that stops most ladies from choosing the sucky option is because giving a good blowjob is hard emotional and physical work.
Yep. Giving a blow job is hard!
Go ahead and re-read that graphic and descriptive paragraph that started this blog post and absorb the reality that the act of fellating a fetus feeler is tricky business. I repeat. Giving a blow job takes considerable effort and focus! There, I said it. Licking your love muscle takes some mental and physical might from momma!
There is nothing easy about performing the act of fellatio, just as there is nothing easy about doing the hard work it takes to keep a relationship healthy and energized and intimate. Giving good head is hard, so imagine how much harder it feels to initiate an enthusiastic fellate when your relationship is running on empty in the emotional intimacy department.
If you, and by you, I mean the collective you in a relationship, are not doing the work it takes to work together to foster the kind of mutual respect and reciprocity that makes every last physical gesture of intimacy, from hand holding to penetration feel like a comfort, rather than a chore, it shouldn’t surprise you when a pickle ain’t getting no pucker.
Sex is easy. I just saw a couple of stupid squirrels schtupping on the fence on my backyard. Ok, no I didn’t. I just couldn’t think of a good pun and I want to make a point about the massive difference between s.u.c.k.i.n.g and f.u.know what-ing.
And the point IS that it is often just easier for a woman who is feeling not just physically empty, but also emotionally empty, to choose the less sucky, simple, slippery fook! Riding the bologna pony takes so very much less effort than bobbing on it and that, my friends, is the truth! I mean, you don’t even have to make eye contact or move around at all if you don’t want to.
It really is that simple. If a fella in a couple wonders why he is no longer getting any fella-tio (ZING!) and/or the lady wonders why she can no longer get herself motivated to give the knob a bob, this couple needs to do some very HARD work on reconnecting emotionally. And that is the topic of my next blog: How to get you back to blowing each other in every way.
In the meantime, here is a picture of a whale’s penis, sent to me by a lovely MWDAS reader. Just be glad you don’t have to choke on this ten foot, purple-headed womb broom and also click HERE to see a photo gallery and read some hilarious sexting messages.
Freeing his Willy!
Nikki's Thought Bombs