I rarely mention my husband, Eric, in my blog posts, and the stuff about him in my book (although not censored or filtered in any way) was minimal. I respect his preference for privacy. I rarely even post stuff about him on my personal Facebook page. My profile picture is of us together, however Mark Zuckerburg’s face is photo shopped onto Eric’s body. He hates having his picture taken, so even though he’s handsome and delicious, I avoid splattering his face all over the social media.
However, when I do write about him or post a picture of him, I go big or I don’t even fucking bother.
In my book I wrote about how he smacked his wang against my head and made it talk to me. It said, “I’m cold. Can I warm up in your vagina?”
Yes, that happened. No, it didn’t turn me on. Well, maybe a little bit, because he’s just very funny and really clever, and there is nobody’s penis I would rather warm up in my vagina than his, so yeah, there was some level of zing in my girl thing as a result of that deviant and hilarious incident.
I cannot say that the book I am writing now includes minimal Eric stuff, because it’s a completely different sort of book from my first, and quite frankly, Eric IS my life. He’s been IN my life since I was 21 years old, so how can a collection of essays not include him?
That’s right, they can’t.
When Jen, the blogger from People I Want to Punch in the Throat asked me to contribute an essay for an anthology called, I Just Want To Be Alone, the sequel to the best selling anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone, I, of course, said yes. The essay I wrote is called BJs, Ball Punches and Mayonnaise.
Some people think that blogs and books about marriage and family are becoming old and tired, but how can stories about people become old and tired? Now, I agree that that on occasion, the delivery of what might have been a side splittingly funny incident can be terribly lame and that sometimes a story either lacks originality or isn’t interesting enough to share.
THAT happens. A LOT.
I mean good fucking Christ, how many family blogs are there now? Sixty-two million give or take a few hundred thousand? But you know, these blogs and books exist because this is LIFE and people want to talk about LIFE.
We find mates and we live and love and sometimes we make other humans together. Living a life is a sad, funny, exciting, disgusting, painful, interesting, boring, difficult, bizarre, terrifying and natural thing. Life happens and we don’t live this life in isolation. Sharing experiences is one of the most natural and most enjoyable things about living life!
If you live your life in isolation, then I feel sad for you, because you will never have the chance to have someone whap you upside the head with their dick and ask you to make it all snuggly warm.
Sucks to be you, Sucker!
For the rest of you, I highly recommend buying the book, I Just Want To Be Alone, and of course MY fucking book, and to keep on reading whatever other books and blogs you want to read about marriage and family, because no matter how much we sometimes wish otherwise, our families ARE our lives and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone sometimes, even if sometimes we just want to BE alone.
Buy MY book by clicking HERE. Seriously, I don’t know why everyone in the world isn’t buying it, because it’s so good.
Also, enjoy my latest post on my ChicagoNow blog about Why I wasn’t in Playboy Magazine by clicking HERE.
Pre-order I Just Want to Be Alone by clicking HERE.